your kung fu is no good here

by riley

2009-09-02 23:02:29 PDT

i just got a lecture on how boxing isn't a real martial art and it's so simple and anyone who takes boxing is getting ripped off by these "trainers" (he did fingers quotes around "trainers" because who do these guys think they're fooling exactly !)... from a kung fu guy.

he also mentioned how brazilian jiu jitsu is useless because "sure, you've got the armbar, but then what ???" and i was not hiding my incredulity at all-- jeez dude there's a lot of limbs to break, you know ? i tried to tell him that BJJ is positionally based and can be used to simply get on top of someone and wail on them like a pimp, but he was having none of it whatsoever.

"see i'm a striker, so i don't fuck around with all that grappling shit. it's just so stupid." i told him it goes both ways: i love grappling and boxing, and think kung fu is silly flashy nonsense that is useless in any kind of real confrontation, but hey you've just got to find the art that fits you as a person. he looked totally confused like he'd never heard anyone say anything bad about kung fu ever.

and in that confusion he sprung at me with the unexpected: he asked me to time his "blitz attack" ! i laughed and said sure ok ! even though i had no idea what a blitz attack was or how one times it. so he hands me a "clicker" (which is like a stopwatch thing, and every time you hit the button it adds a number to a rollover [like an odometer]), tells me to hit it every time he lands a punch, drops into a deep squat, and says, "you gotta get a real good horse stance for this," making me choke back laughter from so deep in my belly that it hurt my face and wonder if i was, indeed, being filmed from somewhere. he then hit the bag as fast as he could for 30 seconds, gets TOTALLY winded, and goes, "THAT'S speed. *pant pant pant gasp* seeing is *wheeze pant* believing, huh." and i was like, "welp, i saw it !"

then as i was hitting the bag he was yelling to me how to throw my punches "properly" and i was rolling my eyes so hard in response that my eye sockets were smoking, but he was totally oblivious ! he was actually advising me to drop my hand to my waist to generate more power ! i was like ok dude, sounds like a really great way to eat a counterpunch which is something i totally love to do so thanks for the sweet tips on how to get brutally fucking KO'd man !

that was when he started in with how boxing is stupid and not a real art. he said, "boxing is so simple. there's like, four punches, so what does that take to learn ? a week ? kung fu teaches you the tiny details that boxing misses. how you need to turn your hand all the way around to generate real power. how you need to breathe through your punches. it's like how the shaolin can break boards all over their body, can boxers do that ?"

"they're usually too busy bustin' up heads i think..." i said.

"that's the other thing. boxing is all punches, and it's all to the head. it's so closed-minded. now in kung fu you've got--"

i was really starting to get annoyed at this point so i figured, man fuck this guy. "dude straight up, i don't care about kung fu. at all. i think it's sloppy and ineffective. and the way you're talking about boxing, and grappling, it really sounds like you've got pre-conceived notions but don't actually have a clue about any of it."

so he says, "hey, i'm just calling it like i see it." he actually said that. that was his defense. and then he said, "everyone training (i was wearing a "bas rutten mma system" rash guard and at this time he gestured at it) "these styles" is just getting totally ripped off by their rip off trainers."

"look dude," i replied, "you're getting pretty insulting about my trainer and my art so you should probably think about what you're saying here because it could get taken the wrong way." and he was all confused and going "no man, no offense !" which of course is the only way to excuse being insulting.

finally it was ten o'clock and the gym was closing. i was taking off my gloves (he was sitting there the entire time yelling shit like "deep breaths !" and "there you go, hips !" even after i told him i didn't care about kung fu) and he says, "i mean obviously i wouldn't get in the ring with you because you've got a ton of power and really good movement and you would most likely knock me out, i just don't really think boxing is for me." which made me think both,
okay hey great i have no problem with your lack of desire to box and your love of kung fu ! that's awesome, different tastes appeal to different people and all that ! why the fuck wasn't that your approach to this conversation the whole time,
but then also
if you wouldn't get in the ring with me because you think i would put you to sleep, isn't that admitting the total failure of your martial art in both 1. providing you with the technique necessary for self-protection, and 2. instilling confidence in yourself ??

but i just said, "ahhh, i don't spar that hard."

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